Keeping Relationships Healthy

The keys to making a relationship work when one partner is working away are no different than those that make any relationship work. But keeping relationships healthy in the face of frequent separations requires more diligence and intentionality

By Lisa Helder

Local 63 members Chris Goeyardi (and his wife, Jazzmind), Carson Wiebe, and Doug Ogston are not marriage counsellors. But they all have a lot of lived experience with the detrimental effects of remote work. I asked them to share their insights on how to keep your relationships healthy when working on remote work sites for long stretches of time, and what unions and employers can do to support workers.

Communication and Honesty

Chris

You both have to be really honest with one another in a relationship. I think sometimes the partner at home might not want to share that they are having a hard time being at home alone, and it builds up over time, and then it leads to an explosion eventually down the road. And that often makes the relationship hard to salvage at that point.

Whereas if you’re honest along the way and you’re speaking to one another about it, you can work through those issues and maybe you can come up with some solutions prior to an explosion. The relationships that I see that fall apart, it’s because of a blind side of 50 issues all at once, and there’s resentments, there’s arguments, and it’s just not salvageable.

But if you’re honest with one another through the whole process, and you solve those problems one at a time as they come, you’re far more likely to succeed.

Jazzmind

When something does come up that is bothering one of us, we just talk about it. It’s like any relationship—you need to communicate.

Empathy

Doug

I think being a parent who stays back is harder because you have to be everything for your kids. So, the partner working away needs to acknowledge that.

But it goes both ways. I don’t need appreciation for what I do, but it is nice to hear from your partner that they appreciate you for being away from your family to provide for them, to give them a better life.

Jazzmind

You need to have empathy for the other person. I could let myself get resentful and think, I have to be at home alone and he is off at work. But he’s away from home. He’s missing our daughter.

There are days where he doesn’t get to see her because she’s in bed by the time he can call. I know that wears on him.

Positive Attitude

Jazzmind

I’ve always tried to think about this situation as a positive thing. And I hope I’ll commit to doing that in the future too. I’ll never talk negatively about it to our kids.

Live your life, try to go out of your comfort zone. Work on yourself or spend time with your kids or spend time with your friends. There are so many things you can do to make that time as enjoyable as possible and stay positive.

Planning and Prioritizing Relationships

Carson

While in camp, I’m often scheduling events or things to do with people on my days off or even the next set of days off. Then you avoid that problem of calling someone on your days off and they’re busy and you don’t get to see them.

For the first day that I’m home, everybody knows not to call me and my wife. That’s our day. We don’t book any appointments on that day. And sometimes the next day too.

Doug

Plan those days when you go home and set something up just for you and her. And it could be giving her a day out for herself to do whatever she wants—a pedicure, have a spa day, go shopping—whatever. Give her a day off.

And it’s all about being in the moment when you’re home with your family. I want to be fully engaged in my kids’ lives when I’m home. I do a lot of activities with them—I teach them things. I do a lot of do-it-yourself projects with them. I want my kids to grow up to be very independent.

Shared Goals and Interests

Carson

We make sure we talk every night. And we’re both gamers, so I’ve put in the effort to find games that we can play together while I’m away. So, we share a hobby, which is really nice because you can only talk on the phone for so long.

Support Network

Carson

My wife’s family lives in Camrose where we live, and my parents are in Edmonton, which is just about an hour’s drive away, so it’s nice for her to have people close by.

Jazzmind

I don’t have anybody in my social circle who is in the same situation as me, so that can be isolating at times. But we both have a great group of friends, and we do have his sister in town.

Our family is mostly in Lethbridge two hours away, but even then, my mom is such an amazing support for us. She helps out where she can, and she’ll come up to Calgary or we’ll go down and stay with her. And so we have a wonderful support system, even though some of them are a little bit farther away. 

How Employers and Unions Can Support Workers and Their Families

Balance of Work and Home

Carson

Create reasonable shifts. I’m doing 14 and 7, and I wouldn’t want to do anything more than that. I think a lot of jobs are heading in that direction.

Chris

Ten and fours [ten days on, four days off] are not good for your work-life balance. I’ve worked with guys who are from Newfoundland, and they don’t end up even going home. It’s just not enough time, so they end up going to Edmonton and staying at a hotel for four days. They go home once, maybe twice a year on vacation, which is just brutal.

Good Hours

Chris

I don’t want to go out of town and work an eight-hour day in the oil field. I go out of town to make money, and if I’m going to lose time with my daughter and my wife, it needs to be compensated for. Most guys are looking for 12-hour shifts. And if you’re an employer, you need to recognize that.

Family First

Doug

Integral is a very family-orientated company. Two of our three kids were born when I was up here. I would get phone calls saying, “I’m in labour,” and my company would be on the phone right away with the airline company. I’ve made it back for every birth because of the company.

Mental Health Supports

Doug

CLAC has a lot of programs that help you with different types of situations, like counselling, which is good. The only thing I would say is it should be easier to find on the website.