Thursday, November 5, 2020

Whatever Happened To . . . ?

Our collective conscious seems to be more angst-filled these days. Sometimes, we feel pressure to move on or to act as if we shouldn’t be bothered by how our worlds have been shaken. But we can be grateful to be alive, have a home, and have loved ones who are safe and still be sad about the losses

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By Trish Douma, Regional Director, Chatham Member Centre

What happened to “we’re all in this together”?

I am missing that sense of camaraderie that was pervasive in the earlier days of the pandemic. Some six months ago, the world came together, mostly united in its desire to protect the vulnerable from the coronavirus.

People were sewing masks, colouring their sidewalks, having thank-you parades, banging on pots and pans to show gratitude to healthcare heroes, and finding creative ways to get together with family and friends or to mark milestone differently. We had clarity. Inside=good, outside=bad.

What happened? Is it the six-month wall? It is compassion fatigue? Probably all of that and more.

One could think, as time passed and we learned more about the virus, about the death rate, how to treat it, and how it is spread, that our angst would ease. However, our collective conscious seems to be more angst-filled. Things feel differently now; people are more on edge, and less understanding of each other. We are more polarized than before.

In the Western world, we do not gravitate toward ambiguity; we prefer the binary. We see this tendency in ourselves, in our loved ones, society, and in the people we serve. We want yes/no answers.

In addition to not being comfortable with ambiguity, we are not comfortable with suffering and discomfort. We like fixing suffering and discomfort (Have a headache? Take a pill. Too hot? Turn up the AC).

But here we are, living with discomfort through an ambiguous loss, with no easy or final solutions.

How do we navigate this? In her book Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, Pauline Boss addresses this. When published 21 years ago, the book was written with different ambiguous loss situations in mind (divorce, missing children, dementia diagnosis in a loved one, etc.) but its application is relevant now.

Boss articulates the importance of two things: naming it as an ambiguous loss and holding two opposing ideas in our minds at the same time.

When we can articulate to ourselves that we are experiencing an ambiguous loss, our stress level will reduce (not disappear!). Sometimes, we feel pressure to move on or to act as if we shouldn’t be bothered by how our world has been shaken. But we can be grateful to be alive, have a home, and have loved ones who are safe and still be sad about the losses.

Which takes us to a practice: practice holding two opposing ideas at the same time. For example, our world has permanently changed and we will get some of our old world back. Or I am happy my child is safe at home and I am frustrated by the number of times I have to assist in teaching them.

We don't have to be one or the other. We can be both.

In the rush to ease our suffering, be careful not to talk yourself or others out of grief. Name it. Hold it in your heart. Lift it up in prayers.

Whatever Happened To . . . ?

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