Wednesday, October 15, 2025

Watch Your Tone!

Why your emails might sound harsher than you think—and how to soften the message

By André van Heerden, Communications Director

Do you ever get a sinking feeling when you see an email from a certain person? Do you open it expecting to feel put-off or criticized?

The unfortunate thing about emails and texts is that it’s often very difficult to indicate what tone is being used. Emojis can help, but at times can feel disingenuous or passive aggressive.

Author and former FBI negotiator, Christopher Voss notes that “body language and tone of voice—not words—are our most powerful assessment tools.”

I’ve often encouraged others—and myself—to take the time to phone someone rather than continue an awkward email exchange. In my experience, that one phone call clears away ill feelings of mistrust or criticism, and puts what’s being discussed back into perspective.

There might still be disagreement, but it’s now on task and manageable. Unless they can be properly addressed, emotions have a way of dominating and reshaping the intent of words.

Author Pandora Poikilos observes that people “have the unique ability to listen to one story and understand another.”

Unlike written messages, an in-person meeting can communicate nuance, and empathy, and can soften approaches and build relationships.

Social commentator and author J.B. Priestley wrote that “the more we elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate.”

Prolific romance novelist, Danielle Steel explains, “people have entire relationships via text message now, but I am not partial to texting. I need context, nuance and the warmth and tone that can only come from a human voice.”

But in today’s digital, fast-paced world, most of us need to communicate with typed text. We might think that our words are professional and direct and accurate, but do they account for how someone receives those words? Are they reading them with an understanding and appreciative posture? Or will they be suspicious and defensive?

The person reading your message won’t have the benefit of listening to the tone of your voice or what you’re emphasizing.

Popular actor Tom Holland observes that “on stage you need to emphasize every emotion. But on screen you need to tone everything down and make it believable.”

How we communicate needs to take into account the medium we’re using. Without tone even a single word can mean a lot of different things. I love comedian Rob Schneider’s take on the versatile word: dude.

Written text, especially in the context of work and trying to provide feedback on things like quality, performance, time, and budget, can naturally make people feel defensive and interpret things in a negative light.

The unfortunate thing is that once someone finds one of your emails or texts harsh, they may interpret future emails in the same way. It can take a long time to build a relationship where someone gives you the benefit of the doubt, but regrettably only a moment to lose it.

There’s a warning printed on rearview mirrors that states: “Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.”

I think we should heed an email warning that words in an email can be harsher than they appear.

If we want people to open our emails with a fair and open perspective, we have to be extra careful in curating that experience.

This will also hopefully help with the types of words used in the response back.

Tips for Softer, Clearer Emails and Texts

1. Read it out loud before you send.
If your email sounds blunt or clipped when spoken, it’ll likely read that way too. Reading aloud helps catch unintended sharpness.

2. Start with warmth.
A short greeting or note of appreciation (“Hope your week’s going well,” or “Thanks for your work on this”) sets a positive tone.

3. Use neutral, collaborative language.
Replace “You need to…” with “Let’s try to…” or “Would it help if…” These small shifts signal partnership, not blame.

4. Be mindful of punctuation and formatting.
ALL CAPS, exclamation points, or short one-line replies can read as impatience. Use full sentences and paragraph breaks for clarity.

5. Add empathy before the send button.
Ask yourself: “If I received this email on a busy day, how would I feel?” Adjust as needed.

6. Pick up the phone when tone matters.
When emotions or misunderstandings surface, a quick call can clear more than a dozen emails ever could.

Watch Your Tone!

Tips for Softer, Clearer Emails and Texts

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