Sunday, February 28, 2021

Speak up—Respectfully

The goal of effective feedback is to change unwanted behaviour and maintain the relationship

Newsletters Alberta Local 63 BC Local 68 Manitoba Local 152 Ontario Construction Saskatchewan Local 151

By Nathan Koslowsky, Representative

Have you ever had something going on at work that grates on your nerves? Like the way he plays those videos with the volume turned right up at lunch break or the way she . . . Well, you get the idea.

How are you dealing with it? If you’ve been trying to tune it out, how’s that working for you? If you snapped and told him how you really felt about whatever the annoying behaviour might have been, how awesome is that relationship now?

If something is happening that you don’t like, nothing is going to change unless you do something. This is true at home and at work. The best way to effectively change something isn’t to ignore it or fly off the handle about it. The best way to ask for change is to offer effective feedback. Blaming someone for something—“It’s all your fault!”—is the opposite of effective feedback. Effective feedback ensures that message sent is message received.

Remember the last time someone offered you some feedback? How did it feel? Receiving feedback can be hard to hear. As glad as I am that my friend let me know my fly was down, it was still a little embarrassing to have to be told.

Effective feedback, even when done really well, can also result in a withdrawal from the relational bank account. But consider this. While people normally consider the cost of speaking up, they rarely consider the cost of not speaking up. Often, the cost of holding onto feedback is much higher than the cost of sharing it.

Here are two things to keep in mind when you do share feedback with someone else:

Lead with description rather than interpretation or evaluation. “You are such a slob! Why are you always disrespecting me like that?” lands a lot differently than saying something like, “The table where you ate lunch today has smears of mustard and chunks of crust on it. I eat there too. Would you please clean up after yourself next time?”

Anticipate a defensive response. This is normal. What’s really interesting about defensive responses is how people typically feel defensive, not because of what you say, but because of why they believe you are sharing the feedback with them.

The two most likely reasons people feel defensive about the feedback they hear at work is that they believe the feedback is challenging either their goodness or their competence. Which means, that when I hear you ask me to clean up the mess I made on the lunch table, I may get defensive. It isn’t about the crumbs anymore. It’s because I believe you are questioning whether I am a good person or not.

Or when you remind me to measure twice and cut once, I’m not defensive because you’ve asked me not to waste material, but because it feels to me like you are challenging my competence. Heart people typically feel defensive about their goodness while head people typically feel defensive about their competence.

It can be helpful to be aware of the impact your feedback may have on the other person so that you can adjust your feedback to be most effective. Remember, the goal of effective feedback is to change their behaviour and maintain the relationship. So be respectful. Get to the point right away. Keep it brief, and be clear about what needs to change.

Speak up—Respectfully

You might be interested in