Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Hitting the Right Notes

Tone of voice is one of the top causes of workplace conflict. So how do we combat it and ensure we’re all singing in the same key?

Guide Magazine

By Geoff Dueck Thiesen

I grew up in a singing family. I’ve sung in choirs on and off for my whole life and very much enjoy the sound of various voices blending in harmonies.

For that to work, it’s really important for the voices to be on pitch. If someone is singing a bit too high or too low, it can throw the whole melody off. Instead of a resonant sound, a dissonant sound is created.

A big challenge for a choir is when a singer shows up who is enthusiastic but can’t sing on key. Some singers can’t even seem to hear the note they’re supposed to be singing. They could be happily singing along, thinking everything is perfect, while the rest of the choir is grimacing in pain.

The term for that is tone deaf. The singer can’t hear the right note, much like a colour-blind person can’t see colours.

Tone deaf is also used to describe a person who isn’t aware of the tone of their speaking (or writing) voice and how it impacts others. This can be a huge issue in the workplace, where we have to work alongside people of all different personalities and cultural backgrounds.

Singing with a tone-deaf person is difficult, if not impossible. But a tone-deaf person in the workplace can drive colleagues to file harassment complaints or even quit their job.

In my 14 years as a union representative, one of my primary tasks has been to listen to member concerns and complaints, and then attempt to improve the situation. I wish I’d kept a scorecard charting the kinds of complaints I’ve dealt with and how often.

Common complaints include being paid improperly, receiving improper discipline, being pressured to work overtime, or having a record of employment filled out improperly. But I am quite certain that the overwhelming top complaint on that scorecard would be about tone of voice.

That’s right. The top complaint I’ve fielded in my career as a union representative is tone of voice.

As you can imagine, this kind of complaint is also one of the most challenging to find a solution to. It involves a speaker, a listener, a relationship, workplace pressure, and a whole pile of other factors. Here are three of them to consider.

1. Personality Differences

People with different types of personalities process emotional information differently. Some people seem wired to be more sensitive about emotional information, while others have more difficulty paying attention to that, preferring to see the world in a more logical framework.

Some people are highly agreeable (making decisions based on social acceptability) while others are less so, and are much more willing to say or do the difficult thing, even if it makes them unpopular. While one personality type can be experienced as cold, blunt, or impersonal, another type can be experienced as too fragile and overly sensitive.

2. Cultural Differences

In some cultures, very direct communication is valued. In other cultures, less direct, gentler communication is the norm.

When people from two very different cultures work together, tension can escalate. For example, people from Germany, Jamaica, and India tend to speak very directly and assertively. People from the Philippines, China, or my own Mennonite culture tend to speak much less directly.

3. Mental Health and Trauma

Recent advances in neurobiology are shedding light on how the brain interprets signals and determines if there might be a threat. It then activates the part of the brain associated with danger.

When we hear a certain tone of voice, our brain might associate it with a painful or traumatic memory, triggering a flood of stress chemicals like cortisol to get us ready to fight or run away. And if a person is already low on serotonin (depressed) or has elevated stress chemicals (anxiety), this is probably going to have an impact on how that tone of voice is interpreted.

So What Now?

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that tone of voice causes us so much difficulty. We need to pay attention to it, and if it’s our job to relate to people, try to be flexible in how we use it.

Ask yourself how your tone might be perceived by the listener. You can ignore it, but there will be consequences.

In a choir, there are some options with the tone-deaf singer. In a professional choir, which will have very high standards, the audition will prevent someone who is tone deaf from joining. A choir whose purpose is more focussed on social inclusion might choose to tolerate a tone-deaf singer.

Other options are voice lessons and mentorship. By placing a weak singer beside a very confident singer, a tone-deaf singer can often improve.

Tone and the Workplace

These are all options in the workplace as well. The worst option is to let a tone-deaf employee go unchecked. The situation needs to be confronted with tact and compassion—preferably by someone who themselves is not tone deaf.

To take the choir example a little bit further, imagine for a minute that it’s not a singer who is tone deaf but the conductor. Can you imagine the difficulty the choir will have achieving harmony and resonance when the conductor can’t tell when the pitch is off in a particular voice part? A tone-deaf conductor cannot lead a good choir.

Similarly, a tone-deaf supervisor will struggle greatly to build a cohesive workplace team. Many managers are promoted not because of their people skills, but rather because they are good at their jobs. But that doesn’t make them good managers.

Often, these managers are given very heavy workloads and are under a lot of pressure. Faced with deadlines, productivity expectations, and the chaos of team members’ turnover and workers calling in sick, it’s not hard to imagine that managers are especially prone to the tone-of-voice trap.

The Solution—Be Gracious

So what’s the solution? Well, it’s not simple. Less negative pressure on the supervisor from upper management can cut down on negative pressure trickling to staff.

Other solutions include effective supervisor training to teach managers to become strong communicators and leaders who have a measure of self-awareness. This will help ensure that they provide realistic goals and expectations to their team.

But even with training, workplace conflict centred on tone of voice will always be with us. The best thing we can do is practice self-awareness, put ourselves in our listeners’ shoes, and above all, be gracious.

Tone's Role in Communication

Communication is . . .

7% verbal

38% tone

55% body language/facial expression

4 Elements of Tone—And What Each May Indicate

1. Volume

Normal – Self-control, willing to listen

Loud – Impatient, emotional

Soft – Insecure, inexperienced

2. Pitch

Normal – Self-control, confidence

Slightly higher – Friendly

High – Stress, emotion, irrationality

Slightly lower – Control, confidence

Low – Anger, threatening

3. Inflection

Where you place emphasis in a sentence can change the meaning from a positive, to a negative, to a question, to a sarcastic remark.

4. Rate

Stilted – Holding back, bottling up

Fast – Nervous, upset, emotional/excited

Slower/measured – Control, confidence

Very slow – Lack of interest

Irregular – Emotional, anxious

Tone in Conflict

Tone is both a source and predictor of conflict. Anecdotally, HR professionals report that in complaints about communication, the issue is almost always tone rather than difference of opinion.

A study of married couples completed by the University of Southern California had a computer algorithm analyze tone of voice in the couples’ interactions between one another. The algorithm was able to predict marital success or failure better than counsellors who interacted with the couples. A five-year follow-up showed the algorithm was 74 percent accurate in predicting long term relationship health.

Perception of Tone

The way we perceive a person’s tone can be influenced by a number of factors, making workplace interactions even trickier.

5 Tone Factors

Cultural background
Age/generation
Workplace environment
Past experiences
Preexisting relationships

7 Keys to Controlling Your Written Tone

Who is your audience? A message about the same topic will look very different depending on the audience—friend, family, coworker, or supervisor.

Watch your pronouns. The word you can sound accusatory. Use the word I to express how a behaviour or situation made you feel.

Reread with empathy. Always review before you hit send. Put the message aside and reread it the next day to ensure you are striking the right balance.

Use capitalization/bold/italics/underline with care. ALL CAPS LOOKS LIKE SHOUTING as does too much use of bold, italics, or underlining. And never use a COMBINATION of all four!

Pay attention to punctuation. Exclamation marks can be seen as positive or negative. Question marks can convey snarkiness, distrust, or sarcasm.

Watch your word choice. If a word feels wrong, it probably is. Use a thesaurus to find a similar word that strikes the right tone.

Be truthful. Don’t write in a tone counter to your character. Avoid ambiguous language and weasel words. People will know you’re being disingenuous.

Sources: alternativesolutions.net, exploringyourmind.com, Grammarly.com, LinkedIn.com, therelationshipdoc.org

Tips on Tone

8 Ways to React when Someone’s Tone Sounds Offensive

Take a deep breath and evaluate. Try to understand why the person is speaking the way they are. Many times it’s due to stress and isn’t necessarily due to something personal against you.
Don’t react in anger or frustration or the situation will simply escalate.
Ask questions to shift the conversation. If you have a relationship with the person, ask if there is something bothering them.
Don’t hold onto it, particularly if the behaviour is a one-time thing.
Let the person know that the interaction bothered you. If they start to argue, ask them to stop, and don’t escalate to a fight.
Be compassionate.
While many issues involving tone are one-offs that can be chalked up to stress or personality differences, sometimes a team member’s tone is a chronic issue that contributes to a toxic work environment. Recognize when to bring the issue to management or the union.
If there is a pattern of disrespectful behaviour and the individual is not willing to change even when confronted by their peers, bring it up. The problem won’t go away on its own, and the individual should be confronted about his or her inappropriate behaviour.

3 Ways to Improve Your Use of Tone

How can you watch your tone and ensure you aren’t contributing to the creation of a toxic environment?

1. Become aware.

Most people are unaware of how they sound to others.

Record yourself and listen back.

What do you sound like?

Where are there areas of concern (volume, pitch, rate, inflection)?

2. Practice, practice, practice.

Control your breathing and breathe from your diaphragm, not the top of your lungs.

Vary your pitch (don’t be monotone) to convey interest, and avoid being stuck in a high or low register.

Watch your rate of speech. Most people speak too quickly. Slow down so your listener can keep up and so that they don’t think you are trying to get the conversation over and done with.

Keep your volume in check. Too loud and you sound aggressive. Too soft and you sound unsure.

Articulate clearly and don’t mumble. If this is a difficult area for you, practice saying tongue twisters in a clear manner.

Use your face. Smile and see how that can influence your tone.

3.Put it all together when interacting.

If you know the person with whom you are interacting, match your tone to their needs.

Be cognizant of your tone, watch the other person’s reactions, and modify your tone as needed.

Watch your body language. Keep an open posture (no slouching, no crossed arms, keep your back and shoulders straight).

Acknowledge the other speaker. Nod and make eye contact from time to time to show you are engaged.

Don’t monopolize the conversation. Allow the other person to speak.

Sources: theladiescoach, wikihow.com, jobpostings.ca, inc.com, fastcompany.com

The Iron Lady

When Margaret Thatcher—one of the most famous prime ministers in British history—first entered politics, she was told her voice was too shrill to participate in her party’s broadcasts. So she took lessons with a voice coach to lower her pitch and learn to speak in a calm, measured, authoritative manner.

The lessons worked. If you look through old footage, you can see and hear a very marked difference in her tone.

After becoming a member of parliament, she rose through the ranks of the party to become leader and prime minister. As her political power grew, her voice continued to evolve to sound more confident and authoritative, helping to give her the title of “The Iron Lady.”

Source: telegraph.co.uk