Friday, April 5, 2024

Forgiveness in the Workplace

“What I want is for my manager to apologize for what they did to me.”

By Roberta Vriesema, Representative

The desire for an apology is present in almost every grievance filed. It is also one of the more difficult things to get. When one is given, it often isn’t given in a way that is heard as sincere or meaningful—by both the giver and the receiver.

Many people perceive the words of an apology as an admission of guilt. For this reason, lots of employers are extremely reluctant to use phrases that sound apologetic, forget actually saying an apology. There are legal examples where apologies have been used as evidence, yet there are also examples where apologies are not equal to admission of wrongdoing.

Harriet Lerner’s book Why Won’t You Apologize? is a relatively quick read that explores apologies and forgiveness, primarily around personal life. The following are a few thoughts from the book that you can likely bring into your work.

• We all know what an apology is not: “I’m sorry you felt angry about what I did/said. I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings.”

• Timing is important—and so is authenticity. If you are in a situation and you are aware of a reason to apologize, it is generally better to give an imperfect but heartfelt apology then and there.

• Yet, if you are truly too angry and you’d be more likely to give a nonapology apology, state that you are feeling escalated by the situation and that you need to create space but—and this is important—you will come back and close the loop with the person.

• You shouldn’t force an apology on someone, especially where your apology causes harm. Sometimes, you desire to apologize, but that person has clearly indicated they cannot accept something more from you. Respect and accept that.

• Some people can’t apologize in words, but they can in actions. We all come to forgiveness and apologies with a lot of internal baggage. If we get hung up on the words of an apology, we might be carrying that “want” for a very long time. Be open to the ways people live into the intent of an apology.

Work takes up a significant role in our lives. Whether you are in the I-work-to-eat camp or my-life’s-purpose-is-my-work camp, the quality of your work relationships benefits from your attention.

Have you spent time thinking about apologies and forgiveness in the context of your work community? Is there a nugget here that would benefit you? Intrigued to learn more?

Forgiveness in the Workplace

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