Fight, Flight . . . Relax?

But as a mental health professional, I am amazed at why this fundamental attitude of respect and understanding is so hard for people. I have been involved in mediations over the years where it seems like the one party is willing to lose rather than move toward the other.

Why is that? Why do we find it so hard to soften our perspectives when we are involved in a process that by its very nature assumes this sort of good faith for success?

Well, it seems like our brain’s evolution over the past 50,000 years may be partially to blame. Researchers Tali Sharot and Micah Edelson have studied the activity of the brain when it is confronted with different opinions and perspectives.

In the study, individuals were hooked up to functional magnetic resonance imaging brain analysis while they were involved in meaningful mediation. This allowed researchers to see in real time exactly what areas of the brain become activated under certain conditions.

What they discovered was fascinating.

At first, while each person was sharing their perspective, the left front part of their brain lit up, which would be expected. This is the part of the brain responsible for higher order executive functioning. But when contrary perspectives were put on the table, a very different part of the brain, the amygdala, began to become active in many, although not all, participants.

The amygdala lies deep in the more primitive part of our brain, far below conscious thought and awareness. About the size of a cherry tomato, it is responsible for emotional arousal or, more specifically, our fight or flight response.

The amygdala only turns on when our deep and primitive brain believes we are in real danger. Once activated, it prepares our body to defend our life.

Further studies showed that once the amygdala was activated during mediation, the brain closed itself off to new information and retreated more forcefully to prior positions.

Doesn’t that sound very much like what happens when negotiations go off the rails? Although we don’t realize it, the amygdala is unconsciously prompting us to become reactively defensive to defend our life.

There’s an old song by Mike and Mechanics called “The Living Years,” and there’s a great lyric in it that says, “We speak a different language, when speaking in defense.” How true.

So, what can we do when our primitive brain threatens to derail negotiations? Here are a four suggestions:

1. Be aware.

Know that your brain is naturally vulnerable to becoming defensive when confronted with differing opinions. While not actually threatening—an opinion is just an opinion, after all—be aware that your brain’s bias, once activated, can make it challenging for you to get out of your defensive cycle.

2. Breathe deeply.

Before negotiations get underway, take some deep, slow breaths. Breathing deeply and slowly calms the amygdala and its sensitivity to become frightened and active.

3. Watch for warning signs.

When your deep and primitive brain starts to take over, it prepares your body for fight or flight, and you may experience any of the following:

• Increased heart rate
• Sweating
• Headache
• Becoming fidgety
• Stomach cramping
• Chest tightening
• Shaking legs
• A growing desire to get out of the room or to fight

4. Slow things down.

If you feel any of these warning signs, don’t worry. Simply focus on your breathing and intentionally slow things down. It often helps to remind yourself that you are not in any actual physical danger—it’s just your primitive brain becoming defensive.

When our amygdala is calm, our higher and more evolved self can put its full attention to making our position clear and to actively listening to what the other person is saying. Respect and understanding are core values for CLAC. And working to calm our brains can ensure these are lived out as optimally as possible.