Friday, April 16, 2021

Conflict Resolution Starts by Looking in the Mirror

By Amanda VanRookhuyzen, Business Analyst

Handling an offence in the workplace takes courage and thoughtfulness.

Relationships with colleagues can fall anywhere between occasional acquaintanceships to everyday companions. The types of situations and conflicts that can arise in our relationships are endless. The way we approach confrontations greatly affects the ability for those involved to overcome the current situation as well as any residual impact on those relationships, whether positive or negative.

Whenever my mood shifts to an unexpected, wounded state, it takes time for me to detangle what went wrong and why. I typically give myself permission to delay a decision about what to do about an offence until I have taken time to reflect and separate what is “mine” and what is “theirs.” There may be some situations that require a more urgent response, but this approach helps take the pressure off. This is my personal best practice for handling both professional offences and those with friends and family.

It starts with asking myself some questions: What did they say or do that upset me? Does this really have anything to do with them? Is there something else going on in my world right now that makes me more prone to getting upset? Was there a previously communicated boundary that was crossed? Is there a new boundary that may need to be established? What are the chances it could happen again? Is the solution really something I should impose on them? Or can I learn from this and establish my own internal boundary in my relationship with them?

When I am ready to talk someone about a conflict, I use a helpful approach that was shared with me by a colleague. When you need to talk to a coworker about a relational conflict, consider trying this approach and watch how things unfold:

a. When _________ happens,

b. I feel _________,

c. And the impact is _________.

It is so simple but cuts through to the heart of an issue in a way that fosters awareness and accountability without attack. For those who shy away from conflict, it provides a safe framework to work with. Best of all, it helps build trust over time. Be prepared to receive occasional accountability insights from colleagues, too!

The next time you need to talk yourself through a relational conflict, consider trying a digital notepad or journaling app. It allows you to type as fast as you think and is much easier than traditional handwriting. It’s also private and leaves no risk of a paper trail, so you can be extra honest with yourself. See how it goes!

Journaling has become vital to my conflict-resolution process. After all, nobody knows you better than yourself! Only after a stint of journaling do I become ready to “think out loud" with someone neutral whom I can trust. It is surprising how often you know the answers to your own questions. A good counsellor (whether a friend or a professional) simply behaves like a mirror so that you can see your own reflection.

The more grey hair I earn, the more I find I can come out the other side of this process with greater truth in hand. This is usually truth about myself and my own progress as a human! Once I can see the situation clearly, I can more effectively discern what follow-up action to take and decide if it’s even necessary.

Conflict Resolution Starts by Looking in the Mirror

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