Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Can I Help You?

Learn how to move from a selfish helper to a gracious giver

By Amanda VanRookhuyzen, Business Analyst, IT

We’ve all heard the age-old proverb: it is better to give than to receive.

I’m guessing most of us can relate to the obvious: there is a noticeable inner satisfaction when we give to others. It feels purposeful. Simple. Selfless. It can feel particularly good inside when we have an opportunity to fill a real need for someone else or when we are able to give someone something they really wanted. The best-case scenario is when the act of giving brings a smile to both the giver and the receiver.

An act of kindness.

Community.

When you walk into a store, how does it feel when an employee greets you and asks if there’s anything they can help you find? How does it feel when they’re focusing on a task and wait for you to approach them? Does it depend on whether you are killing time with no objective or you’re in a rush and looking for a specific item?

When I used to work in retail, I would try to pick up on the signals and body language of each customer to see if I could interact with them in a way that matched their ideal service experience. Over time, I started being able to detect which customers wanted small talk, which ones wanted efficiency, which ones wanted to be left alone, and which customers wanted me to remember their name the next time they came in. I didn’t always get it right, but it was rewarding whenever I did.

I’ve always been fascinated by the interactions where the receiver does not respond positively to what is being given. As far as I can remember, I’ve been much more comfortable in the role of “giver,” and have to work hard at being a gracious “receiver.” I enjoy helping others and giving thoughtful gifts, and I want my loved ones to experience those joys, too. But I struggle with hiding my not-so-good feelings when I do not genuinely appreciate a choice someone has made for me. I have learned that creating wish lists and asking for help more intentionally can help foster more positive, reciprocal experiences. But if I could, I would rephrase the proverb to say: it is easier to give than to receive.

For some of us, it can be a surprising life lesson: that the act of giving can sometimes be selfish and hurtful. Unfortunately, when a giver’s good intent outweighs an unintentional negative impact on the receiver—and when a receiver does not want or need what’s being given—delicate social dilemmas arise. Gifts on special occasions are one thing, but trying to help someone we care about when they are not ready to receive (unsolicited) help is much trickier, especially when there are recurring patterns of over-giving or over-helping at play.

Without meaning to, over-helpers can rob other people from their sense of agency, which can limit the very people they are trying to help from developing essential life skills and can ultimately delay them from reaching an authentic readiness to help themselves. Regardless of the extent of codependent tendencies and blind spots between a giver and receiver, all examples of over-giving I have observed reinforce that: it feels better to give than to receive.

So if we consider the act of giving is predominantly an advantage to the giver, what are some ways we can increase our chances of producing a positive experience for the receiver? How do we avoid buying, saying, or doing something for someone else that they don’t want or need?

4 Ways to Be a Better Giver

Ask first if possible.
Wait for them to ask.
Pay attention to body language/readiness.
Choose a career that involves helping people.

Whether by nature or nurture, some of us are simply built to serve others. If you have already figured this out about yourself, you may already have a service-oriented job and may already know the deep job satisfaction that comes from harnessing your desire to enrich the lives of others.

You may also already know the risks of burnout and compassion fatigue and may have received training on how to help people within the appropriate boundaries which are meant to protect both the giver and receiver. Your loved ones may even secretly appreciate that the bulk of your “helpfulness energy” is redirected toward folks who are seeking help with a clear want or need.

Whenever it seems confusing that an act of kindness isn’t well received or doesn’t feel positive for both people involved, remember that a professional service boundary is an excellent, natural guideline that supports ongoing opportunities for helpers to fill up on good feelings without most of the complications that can arise through over-giving in personal relationships.

After all, it would seem that it is better to give to those who are ready to receive.

Can I Help You?

4 Ways to Be a Better Giver

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