Sunday, July 9, 2023

Who’s in Your Internal Family? (Part 2 of 2)

Our personalities are made of many different parts that we need to bring under the leadership of our Wise Selves

By Quentin Steen, Representative/BC Member Education Coordinator

In last month’s Mental Health Moment, I introduced a profound therapeutic model known as internal family systems (IFS).

IFS is the work of Dr. Richard Schwartz. During his sessions with clients, this world-renowned therapist discovered a reoccurring pattern in which his clients would naturally speak about how parts of themselves would manifest feelings relative to their experience, especially those based on trauma.

As I briefly mentioned in last month’s article, the IFS model is based on three foundational premises:

All parts belong.
There are no bad parts.
Like the ability of our bodies to heal themselves (given the right conditions), each of us has the internal wisdom to heal ourselves, to bring these parts under the leadership of our Wise Selves.

Borrowing from the work of Dr. Schwartz, the job or work of these parts is unique to each, but their collective goal remains to keep us safe. The following briefly describes each, along with my personal commentary.

Exiles

• Young parts that have experienced trauma and often become isolated from the rest of the system in an effort to protect the individual from feeling the pain, terror, fear, and so on of these parts

• If exiled, can become increasingly extreme and desperate in an effort to be cared for and tell their story

• Can leave the individual feeling fragile and vulnerable

Many of my exiles find their roots in childhood trauma deeply embedded in my adoption (e.g., the pain and shame associated with feelings of abandonment).

Managers

• Parts that run the day-to-day life of the individual

• Attempt to keep the individual in control of every situation and relationship in an effort to protect parts from feeling any hurt or rejection

• Can do this in any number of ways or through a combination of parts—striving, controlling, evaluating, caretaking, terrorizing, and so on.

My managers are the voices that I would describe as my inner critics. They vigilantly await those moments to express their harsh criticisms of what I’m not enough of:

– You’re not smart enough.

– You’re not tall enough.

– You’re not skilled enough.

– You’re not important enough.

– You’re not significant enough.

And the list goes on.

Firefighters

• Group of parts that react when exiles are activated in an effort to control and extinguish their feelings

• Can do this in any number of ways, including drug or alcohol use, self-mutilation (cutting), binge eating, sex binges, etc.

• Have the same goals as managers (to keep exiles away) but use different strategies

My firefighters are my most aggressive parts. They are highly reactive and usually respond with hostility (words that cut or actions that intimidate). Their responses are generally quick and decisive and either laser-focused (sniper-like) or all-consuming (grenade-like), especially when faced with intense sadness and sorrow for the things in life I should have received as a child but did not. It’s not a pity party, but it’s a gateway of deep sorrow for many.

The Self

IFS also sees people as being whole underneath this collection of parts. Everyone has a true self or spiritual centre, known as the Self, to distinguish it from the parts. Even people whose experience is dominated by parts have access to this Self and its healing qualities of curiosity, connectedness, compassion, and calmness.

IFS sees the job of therapy as helping individuals to disentangle themselves from their parts and access the Self, which can then connect with each part and heal it so that the parts can let go of their destructive roles and enter into a harmonious collaboration led by the Self. IFS explicitly recognizes the spiritual nature of the Self, allowing the model to be helpful in spiritual development as well as psychological healing.

My Self, or my Wise Self, is accessible only when I allow myself space to access it and request its help in the healing process. It’s like an inner parent or Yoda of sorts. It can take each part, speak to it with empathy, ask how old it thinks I am, what it is that it’s protecting, thank it for the job it’s done, and allow it to see me for who I really am now.

It can handle the situation with the integration of its primary goal (protection) under the wisdom of the Self, and eventually ask it what it would prefer to do and be if it didn’t feel tasked with protecting the grade 4 Quentin who stands before it now as a 53-year-old man.

Now, what I just said was a mouthful. This is a challenging task. It takes time, patience, and a ton of empathy and guidance.

Please access Dr. Schwartz’s work for yourself in the next couple of weeks/months. You might find it one of the most significant things you can do for your own mental well-being.

• Book (paperback/audio): Introduction to the Internal Family Systems

• Website: Internal Family Systems Institute

• Podcast: Dr. Richard Swartz: Introduction to Internal Family Systems

Finally, I’ll leave you with the following words of wisdom from Dr. Gabor Maté, an addictions expert:

The parts of us, the parts most filled with hatred, the parts that are addictive, the parts that are even filled with self-loathing, they all deserve compassion, they all deserve to be understood and to be held, and they all came along for a reason. Even that self-loathing part has a function. It’s not an enemy. It actually came along to help you in the first place.

Let’s say a child is not getting their needs met or worse than getting hurt. Now the child can only make one of two unconscious assumptions. One, this is a terrible world, I’m all alone, and everyone is against me, or the child can assume there’s something wrong with me, it’s all my fault, and if I work hard enough maybe I can fix it. Which is the safer assumption? Which is the one that can live? Well, the one that says that maybe it’s my fault and I can do something about it.

To assume that the world is that dangerous is just unbearable for that child. It’s also turning the anger towards the adults against yourself, which is a lot safer. It’s not really safe to be angry with your parents all the time when you’re two years old.

—Dr. Gabor Maté, Healing Trauma in a Toxic World—Know Thyself (Live Podcast EP 33)

Next month’s Mental Health Moment: It’s ALWAYS about You. Full Stop!

Quentin Steen is a certified mental health first aid instructor for the Mental Health Commission of Canada.

Get your BRAIN right and your MIND will follow!

4 Mental Health Resources to Help You

If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue, CLAC has a number of resources and interactive tools available to help you at My Health and Wellness.
Stronger Minds features videos and quick reads from mental health experts, activities to help you gain resilience, and ask-an-expert videos in response to questions.
WellCan offers free well-being resources to help Canadians develop coping strategies and build resilience to help deal with uncertainty, mental health, and substance abuse concerns.
Wellness Together Canada: Mental Health and Substance Use Support provides free online resources, tools, apps, and connections to trained volunteers and qualified mental health professionals.

Who’s in Your Internal Family? (Part 2 of 2)

4 Mental Health Resources to Help You

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