Thursday, November 12, 2020

Bad Habits of Nonverbal Communication

Is your message not getting across the way you intended? It’s not just the words you say but the way you say them that matters

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By Nathan Mathews, Representative

The other day I was in a conversation with a number of representatives in our office working through a difficult labour relations issue. The details of the issue are not important, but what happened through our discussion is worth thinking on. The conversation went something like this:

Rep 1: “I have a difficult issue and would like your advice.”

Rep 2: “It seems pretty clear to me that the you should do the following. . . .”

As I was sitting there listening to the discussion, I could not help but disagree with Rep 2. I have worked with both reps for the better part of a decade, and both are close friends. I felt pretty secure to disagree in a safe manner. So in I jumped:

Nathan: “Actually, I think you are wrong. Here’s why. . . .”

The conversation concluded and we all went on our way. I felt like it was a good conversation and that we had all worked to solve a difficult problem together.

A few days later, Rep 2 said that my comments made him feel really foolish. Wow. I had no idea. It really caught me off guard. The last thing I would want to do is make my coworker and friend feel foolish by my comments. But I did.

Two things come to mind. First, I was incredibly grateful to have a friend and colleague willing to share how he felt about our conversation. Second, it made me reflect on how I might be coming across to people—how many times have I offended someone without knowing it?

Research shows that 70-93 percent of communication is nonverbal. It’s not just the words you say but the way you say them that matters. Even though I am not trying to come across as dismissive or argumentative, if I am speaking in cold or sharp tones, then that is what I am communicating.

Equally, if not more important, are my facial expressions and posture. When I am thinking, I don’t smile and look off into the distance.

In reality, all I am doing is working through a problem in my head. But to those I’m communicating with, I look cold, almost angry.

Additionally, when I am thinking, I cross my arms across my chest, or I turn to the side. Again, all I am doing is thinking, but this communicates to people that I am dismissive or annoyed.

So, what to do?

First, I have been trying to work on my nonverbal communication skills—which is easier said then done. It’s amazing the bad habits of nonverbal communication that I have developed over my lifetime, but they are worth working on. I find that if I remind myself about my nonverbal cue habits before a meeting, I pay better attention to them and am more successful in communicating what I intended.

Second, I have been having follow-up conversations with people to see if I did in fact come across the way I intended. Sometimes, I find that I slipped into my old habits and made the same mistakes and need to apologize. But I’m getting better. Slowly.

Bad Habits of Nonverbal Communication

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